here goes

Shoot. This is hard. Life is hard. As John Wayne said "life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid." Lately I've felt stupid, and used, and pain, and so lost and maybe a bit broken. And a million other things.
Anyways. I've debated over posting here, or creating a new blog, or even posting at all. But I feel it could be good. For myself, maybe even for others. If not, I'll get over it.
To start, I've never been good with feelings. I hate feelings. Which i guess is kind of vague as feelings can include a huge spectrum of things but, whatever. I hate feelings. Maybe it's my inability to explain them or sort them out in myself. Or how they make me vulnerable It's not that I lack in feelings. Maybe that's my problem. I have way too many. And I care too much. Which you think shouldn't be a problem in anyone's life but I believe it's a real life problem. I care too much about stupid people who don't seem to care about you. Which sucks. I get so mad at life sometimes. And then I realize that it's the people in life that frustrate me. Insensitive, uncaring, selfish people. The worst part is is that I care about those guys. For some reason, i legitimately have empathy for every person I meet and i can't really ever be mad at them. Just extremely frustrated with them. And sorry for them. enough about feelings. And people. I'm beating around the bush now. So I think I'm just going to say it before I turn into a coward and delete this post. I'm pregnant. It happened in Alaska. With a guy almost twice my age who doesn't care but in the back of my mind he does and in the end I still feel bad for him. Either way, he's not involved, at all. He knows, but he hasn't acknowledged anything. Which in the long run I know makes it easier. But sometimes it sucks. It sucks knowing that you were used and that you were such a bad judge in character. And that you really can't blame anybody but yourself.
Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, being pregnant and not married is hard. While at the same time, I couldn't be more blessed to have the knowledge and faith that I do. But I won't go into that. I love this gospel and I've gone through the necessary processes to be an active part of it again after having been absent for so long while in Alaska. People change but the gospel is always constant and i love that about my church, I always will.
Anyways, I think overall, i just never imagined myself to be in this position. Never ever. Some days it still doesn't seem real. Some days the pain hits me like a truck and I can't speak or eat, or even breathe. it's so suffocating and sometimes i wonder if it's even real, if i should be allowed to be in such pain over something like this. Especially when I know people go through worse. Much much worse. But at the same time it's something I don't have control over, the pain. And then it all goes back to me never imagining myself in this position in the first place. And then that makes me feel bad for thinking that i was above mistakes or experiences like this. All in all, everything goes back to my stupid feelings.
Things are getting better though. They were bad for a while. Being back home again I think contributes to that. I've been on my own and independent for three years and coming back home in this situation doesn't help things. I've never liked depending on other people. I'm used to my family and others depending on me. i've never much liked asking people for help. I've always known that I was capable and responsible for whatever happened in my life and that I could and should deal with everything on my own. If I had the means I probably would be on my own. Some days I really wish I could run away. But I guess I'm supposed to learn something here. And I am.
Most people still don't know. That's been hard too. I feel like such an awful friend. I've never been one to talk to anybody about anything. Even family. I'm not a talker. So I've been avoiding friends and slowly telling family and certain people. I don't know what I'm ever expecting but everyone so far has been great and supportive. And each time someone else knows, I feel a weight lifted off of me. I just keep waiting for the moment when everybody knows. I'm near six months plus some pregnant so that should be soon. I keep waiting for the judgement to come and the questions and assumptions and that scares me. And it shouldn't because I know my Savior doesn't think any less of me, and so far my friends or family haven't seemed to think any less of me. I think it's that I wonder if I think any less of myself.
Overall, it's real, it's not going away and I'm trying to get excited for the inevitable. I have a baby girl that is all mine. It's going to be hard, really hard. But it will be okay. Life goes on and people will think what they will.

So that's it. Most of it at least. As much as I can handle sharing right now. Or as much as my brain will allow me to process and put into words and semi-organized sentences. I don't know why but blogging at any other time besides late at night or the early hours of the day seems unusual to me. Like, at these hours, it's just me and the laptop and cyberspace. And nobody or nothing else. It's ideal.

i'm done.
Peace and loves.

Alaska: a few of my favorite things

Okay, so I wanted to blog something fun so I decided to post pictures and list some of my favorite things from Alaska. Because it truly was an amazing experience and i was super blessed to be able to have the opportunities I did.
For some background info, i spent eight months working at a wilderness lodge on the island of Afognak near Kodiak island. There were about nine people who lived on the island and then the guests we cycled through for each season. Here are my favorite things in no particular order:

This is back bay. I loved boat rides around here on calm warm nights.

This is the bar with some great people. Chyenn, worked at the lodge with me. Mike, was a part of Nat'l Geographic's crew-he's awesome. Faith, Tyler's wife and now a good friend. And last but not least, Donna Rose, a lodge client. One of the funniest ladies i know. 

Bear. This was the first bear I saw while at the lodge. Alive at least.

This poor bear nearly had a heart attack as we followed him with the boat.

 Berry-picking with these girls was one of the best times I had there.

 This guy is crazy. But I love him. Brian the cook everybody. 

 My first buck. Really cool. Introduced me to the hunting world. And now I kind of want to be a part of it. Frank was awesome enough to document it and tech me how to gut it. Frank is awesome. 

 This is one of my favorite spots. The burn pit. This is where we would burn trash and I would do it  a lot and I really enjoyed it. Especially when back bay was so calm and beautiful. I would just sit and watch the trash burn and usually listen to my limited selection of tunes.

 This is right out front of the lodge in Seal Bay, looking down the channel. 

 This was a good day. We were seine fishing and caught and processed salmon most of the day and took a break to barbecue some ribs on the beach. Nikkia was here then. He's great too. He would call me Diabla because I accidentally dropped his new knife off the dock and sent a barrel down the ramp at him. It's all good. We're friends. I sat in a sauna with him for a long time to prove it. I almost didn't make it. Those things can suck the life out of you. 

 An eagle. Wildlife everywhere. it was great. And normal at the same time. 

 This explains a lot. Crazy crazy girl. i don't know how i survived with her. Or without her too I guess.

 Fishing off the dock with Sofie and Little Garrett. I caught a fish. 

 I also shot a fox. It was pretty great. Don't judge me but I loved it. And i think hunting is a pretty cool thing if you go about it with the right thinking. 

 This is foxy. the lodges pet fox. We could hand feed her and find her running around between the guest cabins. She's off limits for hunting.

Here is the fuel barge. It would come by every couple months give or take and fill us up. i think it was called the Retriever. Some kind of dog name I know. Their crew was always nice.

 Haha, this is Garrett and Josh. It was an especially hot day and we were finishing up the construction of the generator shed and they just had the funniest outfits on. Garrett in his shorts and flip flops with his utility belt and Josh with his rolled gangsta status sweat pants and socks with crocs. I was dying.

 Garrett, or G-$. He is my favorite. I don't know why I don't have a normal picture with him but he was really the best. And a lifesaver and the crazy lodge. He was the only person i talked to about things i would allow myself to talk about. And he taught me everything I ever learned at the lodge. And he understood my need to always be doing something and he was just always there. With his stories and teaching experiences to help me along. I miss him the most.

 Say hello to Gunnar. i had the chance to babysit for this cute kid while his parents went bear hunting. How adorable is that crooked smile?? His parents offered me a nanny job in Colorado but i don't know how long I could take being a nanny for a one year old. As attached as I grew to this kid, I wouldn't want to become a motherly figure to him and I feel like that is what would happen with their family.

 While the National Geographic crew was here, we went shooting for fun and i got scope bit so we tried to stretch it a bit to scare the crew with some added ketchup and dramatics. We had them going for a bit until the laughs and ketchup smell gave us away. 

 Sofia and Little Garrett. Love  these kids. And their little sister Olivia. And their mom Huong. They definitely helped change the atmosphere of lodge life and made things bearable. 

 HAHA. This is Marty. You might recognize him from the show Ultimate Survival Alaska. He's a crack up. 

 Us girls helped Garrett assemble his seine net to pass the time. It was a lot of fun. And it included a lot of knotty jokes and good stories from Garrett.

 This is Randy. He was quite the catch. And a lot of fun to have around the lodge while Nat. Geo. was here. He even made us an awesome cd. Oh, and that thing on the hook is a skate. Or sting ray. We ate it. it was pretty delicious.

 Sandwiches. So many sandwiches. Always. While we didn't have to make this many every morning. I made soooo many sandwiches that summer. 

 here's my real scope bite. So yeah, we exaggerated it quite a bit.

 So i fell asleep on the boat. it was a pretty normal occurrence. Especially after a long day of seining. That is not my beer.

 My first snowman of the season. The place was so beautiful in the winter. 

 Whales. So many whales. 

And the yelloweye rockfish. This is where one of my most favorite things about this summer comes from. Otolith earrings. The otolith is the ear bone in a fish and yelloweye have especially large ones since they can live to about 140 years. So we made earrings and necklaces out of them and I've been hooked ever since. And we made a killing on sales at the lodge. And Ke$ha's brother and filming crew bought some as well and the Nat. Geo crew too so that will be my claim to fame. Or a part of it.

And that's all i will post for tonight. That's only a fraction of eight months but it's a good fraction for now. 

Here are some of my favorite songs while in Alaska:

Dust to dust by the Civil Wars

Bye Bye Blackbird by Joe Cocker

Daisy by Brand New

Go Your Own Way by Lissie

Hurt by Johnny Cash

And those are a few of my Alaskan favorite things. 

Peace.

Pieces

First off, hello again.
It's been a while since I've entered the blogging world but something has drawn me back I suppose. At first I didn't really want to continue from this blog as I feel events in my life have changed me so much that it was necessary for me to start over. But after reading through my old blog posts, I realized that they are a big part of who I am and no matter the changes I have gone through or how much I don't really want people that I personally know to read about my real feelings, i guess I finally accepted that it's who I am and I shouldn't try to hide or start over.

So,