Shoot. This is hard. Life is hard. As John Wayne said "life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid." Lately I've felt stupid, and used, and pain, and so lost and maybe a bit broken. And a million other things.
Anyways. I've debated over posting here, or creating a new blog, or even posting at all. But I feel it could be good. For myself, maybe even for others. If not, I'll get over it.
To start, I've never been good with feelings. I hate feelings. Which i guess is kind of vague as feelings can include a huge spectrum of things but, whatever. I hate feelings. Maybe it's my inability to explain them or sort them out in myself. Or how they make me vulnerable It's not that I lack in feelings. Maybe that's my problem. I have way too many. And I care too much. Which you think shouldn't be a problem in anyone's life but I believe it's a real life problem. I care too much about stupid people who don't seem to care about you. Which sucks. I get so mad at life sometimes. And then I realize that it's the people in life that frustrate me. Insensitive, uncaring, selfish people. The worst part is is that I care about those guys. For some reason, i legitimately have empathy for every person I meet and i can't really ever be mad at them. Just extremely frustrated with them. And sorry for them. enough about feelings. And people. I'm beating around the bush now. So I think I'm just going to say it before I turn into a coward and delete this post. I'm pregnant. It happened in Alaska. With a guy almost twice my age who doesn't care but in the back of my mind he does and in the end I still feel bad for him. Either way, he's not involved, at all. He knows, but he hasn't acknowledged anything. Which in the long run I know makes it easier. But sometimes it sucks. It sucks knowing that you were used and that you were such a bad judge in character. And that you really can't blame anybody but yourself.
Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, being pregnant and not married is hard. While at the same time, I couldn't be more blessed to have the knowledge and faith that I do. But I won't go into that. I love this gospel and I've gone through the necessary processes to be an active part of it again after having been absent for so long while in Alaska. People change but the gospel is always constant and i love that about my church, I always will.
Anyways, I think overall, i just never imagined myself to be in this position. Never ever. Some days it still doesn't seem real. Some days the pain hits me like a truck and I can't speak or eat, or even breathe. it's so suffocating and sometimes i wonder if it's even real, if i should be allowed to be in such pain over something like this. Especially when I know people go through worse. Much much worse. But at the same time it's something I don't have control over, the pain. And then it all goes back to me never imagining myself in this position in the first place. And then that makes me feel bad for thinking that i was above mistakes or experiences like this. All in all, everything goes back to my stupid feelings.
Things are getting better though. They were bad for a while. Being back home again I think contributes to that. I've been on my own and independent for three years and coming back home in this situation doesn't help things. I've never liked depending on other people. I'm used to my family and others depending on me. i've never much liked asking people for help. I've always known that I was capable and responsible for whatever happened in my life and that I could and should deal with everything on my own. If I had the means I probably would be on my own. Some days I really wish I could run away. But I guess I'm supposed to learn something here. And I am.
Most people still don't know. That's been hard too. I feel like such an awful friend. I've never been one to talk to anybody about anything. Even family. I'm not a talker. So I've been avoiding friends and slowly telling family and certain people. I don't know what I'm ever expecting but everyone so far has been great and supportive. And each time someone else knows, I feel a weight lifted off of me. I just keep waiting for the moment when everybody knows. I'm near six months plus some pregnant so that should be soon. I keep waiting for the judgement to come and the questions and assumptions and that scares me. And it shouldn't because I know my Savior doesn't think any less of me, and so far my friends or family haven't seemed to think any less of me. I think it's that I wonder if I think any less of myself.
Overall, it's real, it's not going away and I'm trying to get excited for the inevitable. I have a baby girl that is all mine. It's going to be hard, really hard. But it will be okay. Life goes on and people will think what they will.
So that's it. Most of it at least. As much as I can handle sharing right now. Or as much as my brain will allow me to process and put into words and semi-organized sentences. I don't know why but blogging at any other time besides late at night or the early hours of the day seems unusual to me. Like, at these hours, it's just me and the laptop and cyberspace. And nobody or nothing else. It's ideal.
i'm done.
Peace and loves.
Anyways. I've debated over posting here, or creating a new blog, or even posting at all. But I feel it could be good. For myself, maybe even for others. If not, I'll get over it.
To start, I've never been good with feelings. I hate feelings. Which i guess is kind of vague as feelings can include a huge spectrum of things but, whatever. I hate feelings. Maybe it's my inability to explain them or sort them out in myself. Or how they make me vulnerable It's not that I lack in feelings. Maybe that's my problem. I have way too many. And I care too much. Which you think shouldn't be a problem in anyone's life but I believe it's a real life problem. I care too much about stupid people who don't seem to care about you. Which sucks. I get so mad at life sometimes. And then I realize that it's the people in life that frustrate me. Insensitive, uncaring, selfish people. The worst part is is that I care about those guys. For some reason, i legitimately have empathy for every person I meet and i can't really ever be mad at them. Just extremely frustrated with them. And sorry for them. enough about feelings. And people. I'm beating around the bush now. So I think I'm just going to say it before I turn into a coward and delete this post. I'm pregnant. It happened in Alaska. With a guy almost twice my age who doesn't care but in the back of my mind he does and in the end I still feel bad for him. Either way, he's not involved, at all. He knows, but he hasn't acknowledged anything. Which in the long run I know makes it easier. But sometimes it sucks. It sucks knowing that you were used and that you were such a bad judge in character. And that you really can't blame anybody but yourself.
Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, being pregnant and not married is hard. While at the same time, I couldn't be more blessed to have the knowledge and faith that I do. But I won't go into that. I love this gospel and I've gone through the necessary processes to be an active part of it again after having been absent for so long while in Alaska. People change but the gospel is always constant and i love that about my church, I always will.
Anyways, I think overall, i just never imagined myself to be in this position. Never ever. Some days it still doesn't seem real. Some days the pain hits me like a truck and I can't speak or eat, or even breathe. it's so suffocating and sometimes i wonder if it's even real, if i should be allowed to be in such pain over something like this. Especially when I know people go through worse. Much much worse. But at the same time it's something I don't have control over, the pain. And then it all goes back to me never imagining myself in this position in the first place. And then that makes me feel bad for thinking that i was above mistakes or experiences like this. All in all, everything goes back to my stupid feelings.
Things are getting better though. They were bad for a while. Being back home again I think contributes to that. I've been on my own and independent for three years and coming back home in this situation doesn't help things. I've never liked depending on other people. I'm used to my family and others depending on me. i've never much liked asking people for help. I've always known that I was capable and responsible for whatever happened in my life and that I could and should deal with everything on my own. If I had the means I probably would be on my own. Some days I really wish I could run away. But I guess I'm supposed to learn something here. And I am.
Most people still don't know. That's been hard too. I feel like such an awful friend. I've never been one to talk to anybody about anything. Even family. I'm not a talker. So I've been avoiding friends and slowly telling family and certain people. I don't know what I'm ever expecting but everyone so far has been great and supportive. And each time someone else knows, I feel a weight lifted off of me. I just keep waiting for the moment when everybody knows. I'm near six months plus some pregnant so that should be soon. I keep waiting for the judgement to come and the questions and assumptions and that scares me. And it shouldn't because I know my Savior doesn't think any less of me, and so far my friends or family haven't seemed to think any less of me. I think it's that I wonder if I think any less of myself.
Overall, it's real, it's not going away and I'm trying to get excited for the inevitable. I have a baby girl that is all mine. It's going to be hard, really hard. But it will be okay. Life goes on and people will think what they will.
So that's it. Most of it at least. As much as I can handle sharing right now. Or as much as my brain will allow me to process and put into words and semi-organized sentences. I don't know why but blogging at any other time besides late at night or the early hours of the day seems unusual to me. Like, at these hours, it's just me and the laptop and cyberspace. And nobody or nothing else. It's ideal.
i'm done.
Peace and loves.
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