First off, hello again.
It's been a while since I've entered the blogging world but something has drawn me back I suppose. At first I didn't really want to continue from this blog as I feel events in my life have changed me so much that it was necessary for me to start over. But after reading through my old blog posts, I realized that they are a big part of who I am and no matter the changes I have gone through or how much I don't really want people that I personally know to read about my real feelings, i guess I finally accepted that it's who I am and I shouldn't try to hide or start over.
So,
as hard as it is, it's time for me to put my emotions out there and quit bottling them up until I finally fall apart from self-deprecation and feelings of failure. And i don't expect anything from it. I don't want pity or judgement. I just need someplace to unwind. Someplace to keep track of the inner workings of my mind so I can maybe make sense of my thoughts and in time and through effort, I can make the necessary improvements in my life.
The past ten months have been some of the worst/best of my life. Right now, it mostly feels like they've been the worst but i definitely cannot overshadow the good things that have happened or the things I have learned, people I have met, and places I have seen. Because i have truly been blessed there. But at the same time, during these experiences, i was exposed to a lot of things in the world that I didn't really want to see but that are real. And I feel like I have lost pieces of myself to these experiences, and that I was exposed to these things so repetitively that my spirit and emotions have been rubbed raw, and i feel a little incomplete as of late. Like pieces of me, good pieces of me have been taken away. And it's not that I was naive or too innocent to handle these things, but after being raised a certain way, and expecting certain things from people, and having a certain personality, you find that you aren't prepared emotionally or spiritually for those things. And during these moments, i felt fine, strong and untouched. But after the months and after finally being away from it and feeling the long term effects of those experiences, I feel worn down. Drained and nearly empty.
And one of the worst parts of it is that everybody expects you to be the same. They expect the same, untouched, happy and tolerant person that i was before and it's hard to be that person. every day now is a struggle and a fight to find happiness around me. Which is terrible, because i know that I have been blessed with so much more than i can imagine. But coming home after those experiences and after being on my own for so long, it's hard to live around others. Especially family. Especially those who can tell that you're not the same as you used to be and that you clearly went through something. But i can't find it in me to tell them everything that happened. It would hurt too much. For them and for me.
I already revisit the events every night. And I can't sleep. And I can't eat. And I can't talk. And I'm out of patience and tolerance. And I can't/won't find the energy to run or do the things that I love. And i feel like a failure in so many areas. And I'm hurting people that I love and myself.
But it'll be okay. that's why I'm here. I'm here to get through it with the help of the blogging world. And my Savior. He's the one I truly have to lean on now to get me through it all. And while I don't usually like talking about my religion on the internet, I realize that it's a part of me and the reason that i keep going. He's the reason we're all here and I seem to forget that. I definitely forgot that a few months ago and I am now slowly building up that relationship with Him again. Because i have come to realize that it is necessary. And easier.
Anyway, sorry this was depressing. But it's okay, and it's real, and it's me right now. So I guess that's what you get.
On a lighter note, music keeps me going. It always has. So here's what I've been listening to as of late:
Rivers and Roads by The Head and the Heart - Seriously. I'm so in love with it. I'm a sucker for girl and guy harmonies and rawness. if that makes any sense.
Headlights (feat. Nate Ruess) by Eminem - I love me some mixtures in music genres. Especially when Eminem and Fun. are involved. So good.
Black Roses (feat. Clare Bowen) by Nashville Cast - She has a sound that kind of reminds me of The Civil Wars, which is one of my favorite bands, so I was immediately hooked.
Also, it's my twenty-first birthday today.
So here's to me. In a non-narcissistic like way. Here's to being better and trying harder. Because as hard as it is, it's necessary and really the only way to live.
Peace and loves for now.
And be happy. Easier said than done, I know but it's the only advice I've got now.
Also, sorry this is so long...
It's been a while since I've entered the blogging world but something has drawn me back I suppose. At first I didn't really want to continue from this blog as I feel events in my life have changed me so much that it was necessary for me to start over. But after reading through my old blog posts, I realized that they are a big part of who I am and no matter the changes I have gone through or how much I don't really want people that I personally know to read about my real feelings, i guess I finally accepted that it's who I am and I shouldn't try to hide or start over.
So,
as hard as it is, it's time for me to put my emotions out there and quit bottling them up until I finally fall apart from self-deprecation and feelings of failure. And i don't expect anything from it. I don't want pity or judgement. I just need someplace to unwind. Someplace to keep track of the inner workings of my mind so I can maybe make sense of my thoughts and in time and through effort, I can make the necessary improvements in my life.
The past ten months have been some of the worst/best of my life. Right now, it mostly feels like they've been the worst but i definitely cannot overshadow the good things that have happened or the things I have learned, people I have met, and places I have seen. Because i have truly been blessed there. But at the same time, during these experiences, i was exposed to a lot of things in the world that I didn't really want to see but that are real. And I feel like I have lost pieces of myself to these experiences, and that I was exposed to these things so repetitively that my spirit and emotions have been rubbed raw, and i feel a little incomplete as of late. Like pieces of me, good pieces of me have been taken away. And it's not that I was naive or too innocent to handle these things, but after being raised a certain way, and expecting certain things from people, and having a certain personality, you find that you aren't prepared emotionally or spiritually for those things. And during these moments, i felt fine, strong and untouched. But after the months and after finally being away from it and feeling the long term effects of those experiences, I feel worn down. Drained and nearly empty.
And one of the worst parts of it is that everybody expects you to be the same. They expect the same, untouched, happy and tolerant person that i was before and it's hard to be that person. every day now is a struggle and a fight to find happiness around me. Which is terrible, because i know that I have been blessed with so much more than i can imagine. But coming home after those experiences and after being on my own for so long, it's hard to live around others. Especially family. Especially those who can tell that you're not the same as you used to be and that you clearly went through something. But i can't find it in me to tell them everything that happened. It would hurt too much. For them and for me.
I already revisit the events every night. And I can't sleep. And I can't eat. And I can't talk. And I'm out of patience and tolerance. And I can't/won't find the energy to run or do the things that I love. And i feel like a failure in so many areas. And I'm hurting people that I love and myself.
But it'll be okay. that's why I'm here. I'm here to get through it with the help of the blogging world. And my Savior. He's the one I truly have to lean on now to get me through it all. And while I don't usually like talking about my religion on the internet, I realize that it's a part of me and the reason that i keep going. He's the reason we're all here and I seem to forget that. I definitely forgot that a few months ago and I am now slowly building up that relationship with Him again. Because i have come to realize that it is necessary. And easier.
Anyway, sorry this was depressing. But it's okay, and it's real, and it's me right now. So I guess that's what you get.
On a lighter note, music keeps me going. It always has. So here's what I've been listening to as of late:
Rivers and Roads by The Head and the Heart - Seriously. I'm so in love with it. I'm a sucker for girl and guy harmonies and rawness. if that makes any sense.
Headlights (feat. Nate Ruess) by Eminem - I love me some mixtures in music genres. Especially when Eminem and Fun. are involved. So good.
Black Roses (feat. Clare Bowen) by Nashville Cast - She has a sound that kind of reminds me of The Civil Wars, which is one of my favorite bands, so I was immediately hooked.
Also, it's my twenty-first birthday today.
So here's to me. In a non-narcissistic like way. Here's to being better and trying harder. Because as hard as it is, it's necessary and really the only way to live.
Peace and loves for now.
And be happy. Easier said than done, I know but it's the only advice I've got now.
Also, sorry this is so long...
1 comment:
Oh Crista, I know we didn't talk much Freshman Year and I know we are not really friends...but it's good to see a blog post from you. Such a beautifully written blog post. I hope you find the strength and peace that you need. God is love.
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